To My Fellow Dads, on the First Day of Kindergarten Cop

Kindergarten cop teacher.

Dear New Kindergarten Cop Dad,

This morning, I pressed the eject button on the VCR that contained a well-worn copy of Terminator 2. My son will be starting Kindergarten Cop next week, where he will be mentored by the Kindergarten Cop.

My best friend texted me a picture of his own 5-year old a few minutes later, standing next to a full-sized model exoskeleton. “How did we get here?!” I texted back. It was yesterday that we were going through the Conan the Barbarian trilogy together. “How did we get here?!”

We discussed how my son would handle the T-1000’s attacks, and what he’d need to do in order to seek out the T-800’s help. I taught him how to say,”No problemo” and “Hasta la vista, baby.” He’ll know what to do when Skynet fights back. I emphasized to him that there is no fate but what we make for ourselves.

We went over what would happen should Bennett kidnaps his daughter. That he would jump from the landing gear of a plane, kidnap a flight attendant, take the passenger seat off of her yellow convertible, swing across a balloon at a mall, drop Sully off a cliff, use every tool in the shed as a weapon, and single-handedly defeat an entire army to rescue her. Oh, and he’ll throw a huge pipe through Bennett.

We discussed the unique alien called Predator and how it can camouflage itself in the jungle, and that they way he should camouflage himself is to apply mud over every inch of his body. He shouldn’t leave anything exposed except his eyes — as the Predator has infrared capabilities.

We also discussed when he gets forced on the ICS television show The Running Man, to know how to defeat all of the runners. Barbed wire for Subzero, electrocuting Dyanamo, a chainsaw up Buzzsaw’s crotch, and I forgot how Fireball died. I taught him how to ram his fist into Richard Dawson’s stomach, and break his g$&#mn spine.

We went over the details about his eventual visit to Rekall, where he’ll receive a memory implant of the secret agent Mars vacation he’s always dreamed about! We perfected the fat lady costume he’ll be disguised in as he enters Mars customs, and using the nose device to extract the bug out of his head.

You did it. We did it.

You’re a funny guy son, I like you. That’s why I’m going to drop you off last.

But don’t worry. You’ll be back.

Love,

A Kindergarten Cop Dad

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